I only have 2 days left until i have to go back to what I once loved but now hate. So much has happen since I left almost three months ago. I guess what i don't want to back to is not the job... but the people, what are they gonna say?
-"He can't hack it any more... wonder why.. maybe he on drugs, oh didn't you hear he is getting a divorse thats probably why."

... or maybe i'll get tagged with a post-traumatic-syndrome sticker or they will blame it on combat stress...

I like to think that I don't care what they say... but i do, they were my family for so long. I was their leader... thier fearless leader...

-"Thats the guy with the Bronze Star with a Combat V"
-"you can trust him, he'll take care of you"
-"he is a machine, no feelings just mission"

but now i'm lost... i'm leaving the gun club, the suck, the big green machine, the corps.. my USMC

I still have to finish 1 year from my second contract... it will be seven years when i leave... but i know how we treat those that are leaving.. they are traitors, outsiders, non-hackers, too lazy or unpatriotic to stick around or maybe they are scared to fight the war so we separate them a little from the rest, we don't want them infecting the others.

How will i be treated when i request to leave after my contract is up? Will i end up in an office? maybe pulling duty with base guard or facilities... the crap jobs... the ones you give the guys with no leadership. How will my marines look at me? will they think i've just been faking it all these years, that i was just a phony collecting a paycheck?

I don't expect anybody to understand, i just wish someone would.

I can't live that this anymore, i have been an empty vessel for so long I forgot i had a soul. Everything was the job, the job was everything. I put so much into it i forgot about everyone else around me... wife, family. Too blinded by job and only thinking about faimily in monetary aspects... money, house. What else could they want? I provide for them. Too blind to realize that I must also provide love.

I'm at peace with things now, the divorse meeting went well, no hate. It will be offical on January.

But... what next? I have no love, and soon no rutine, there will not be a job. Now all I hear is.. so what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna study? get a job?

Well my marketability is not that great... what am I gona put?
-Can lead marines
-Knows how to kill
-Has killed
-great handle of small, medium arms
-expert explosive usage
-Bronze Star

not really the stuff they are looking for in corpate america nowdays. Plus who the hell in the real world gives a rat ass if i have been decorated?

I need peace, the question is where to find it? I have been thinking about going back to Colombia and finding my father, or maybe going to Africa and helping out HIV infected kids.. or maybe just running away from it all.

I really don't know what will come but I have learned some things along the way.. I know that the only thing that matters is NOW. For before "before" became "before" it was "NOW" and when "later" comes it will be "NOW"

And I thank GOD i found my soul again... I am part of something bigger.. I am connected to all, I am not just my mind, i am not just a body. I have meaning.

-awaken